Last night at about 10pm, I got an email from the Mt. Olive principal that the little baby we've been praying for (daughter to the teacher I'm subbing for) had died that morning. Not unexpected; terribly sad nonetheless. It never occurred to me to think about how the classroom would function with that news. I should've thought about that more.
The tears began at the staff devotion before school. It was a timely devotion about grief, loss, and the joy of heaven. The kleenex box got passed down the line. We talked about how to break the news to the students. Many of their parents are friends with Mrs. M, so they would've seen her post. No one wanted the kids without connections to be finding out in the hallway. The principal decided we'd have an all-school assembly to share the news at 8:20. That would give us a bit of time in our classrooms to get everyone situated for the day. Most of us left in silence, dabbing away tears.
A few people came up to me afterwards, gave me a hug, and asked how I was doing with this situation/news. They knew about Bekhor. More tears.
A few minutes later the students arrived. One boy already had red, puffy eyes. His classmate noticed and immediately worried, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" No response from the student who just put his head on his desk. "Mrs. H, there's something wrong with [the student]!" He was genuinely worried about his friend. I told him that it was okay and I knew what he was crying about; he would find out soon. A few others asked me, "Mrs. H, do you know?"
We had about twenty minutes of religion. I debated telling the class before we went in to church, but decided not to. I did tell them they might want to grab a kleenex because we were about to hear some sad news. I think a lot of them figured it out then. A few were still in the dark. The chapel/devotion service was nice. We sang two hymns: one that was very comforting but almost made me cry, the other was "Jesus Loves Me" but with more verses than I'm familiar with. The principal gave a devotion.
After my class got back to our room, we just kind of sat there. Some of them stunned. Some of them bawling. Some of them feeling normal, but weirded out by their classmates having such strong reactions. I admitted I didn't feel like finishing the religion lesson. They said they didn't either. We decided to sit in our sadness for a while. I read a psalm and then let everyone congregate and cry or talk. One girl requested that one of their pastors come talk with her/us. Another started to sing a hymn. I saw a few open up their bibles to read some more. A few flipped through their hymnals.
It was very interesting to watch each of them experience their grief. One boy was mad. He was so mad, he hit himself in the forehead with his bible over and over again. Later, he tried to pull his hair out in his anger and frustration. Why did she have to die? He also was hit by the fact that he hadn't gotten baptized until he was four. What if she hadn't been baptized? Thankfully, I could answer that question. She had definitely been baptized. That seemed to help a bit.
Another student tried to make jokes (I sensed he was uncomfortable). A few others seemed normal and wanted to get back to doing our regular schedule. A bunch of them didn't have any reaction besides being quiet. A whole bunch couldn't stop sobbing. Thankfully the pastor arrived soon (actually a guy I went to BLC with back in the day). It was his day off (the pastor on duty hadn't made it back to town yet), but he was happy to come in and counsel. We all sat on the floor in the tiny reading corner, even pastor. He was there for about 45 minutes.
During that time we made a giant pile of kleenex on the floor, they cried until tears wouldn't come anymore (thankfully I thought to make them drink some water), and they asked if they could go home. Uhhhh... no? The principal answered that firmly. "What are you going to be doing at home? Crying? By yourself? It's much better to be here where you can be surrounded by friends." He and I agreed a light academic day might be best. I think if they were forced to take their math test, they'd all probably bomb it.
I could not keep them in the room with me. They kept needing to go to the bathroom or fill their water bottles. Really, I wondered if they were trying to congregate out in the hall where they could speak privately or to kids in other classrooms. Two boys came up to me concerned where their friend had gone. They were sure he hadn't been in the classroom for at least a half an hour. Two others had gone to look for him without telling me. I was a bit concerned until someone mentioned that kid had a band lesson on Thursday. They didn't believe me that that was probably where he was. The missing kids came back with a report that this one was actually at his band lesson.
Finally it was time for mid-morning break. I let them get their snack early (eating seemed to calm them) and go out to break early as well. Hopefully recess would be a good reset. Mr. N (the other 5th grade teacher who was having a much calmer, drier day) convened with me to make a plan for our class swapping schedule.
Class with his kids was so much calmer. I didn't want them to get ahead of the other class, so we shared the stories we had written last week and I did some extra read-aloud time. Jump roping was our PE theme today. I wore my hair in a braid again since my bun didn't stay in last time. The braid didn't stay in very well today either.
Finally lunchtime and noon recess. Again, I didn't get much of a break because Mr. N and I discussed how the morning went and the plan for the afternoon. He said my class had calmed down a lot when they came back in, and they might be able to do some academic work in the afternoon. Hmm, I had already promised them a movie and I knew I'd have a revolt on my hands if I didn't deliver.
Unfortunately, the movie I told them we would watch (a suggestion made by the principal, Inside Out, a movie they were all excited to watch) was not accessible. I had hoped Mrs. M had her login saved on her laptop. Nope. The principal's login was the backup. No response from him right away, so I got the kids started on making sympathy cards for Mrs. M while we waited. We listened to some Christian music, looked up bible verses on grief, and drew some really great pictures in the cards. Very calm worktime, aside from a few students clambering for the movie to be put on.
I tried really hard to find the movie on youtube. No luck. Or an alternative movie. They complained about everything and I threatened to shut the movie off completely. On a last resort I texted my sister for her login... she got it to me and I was able to get the movie started! Whew! ...with only 45 minutes until we needed to switch classes again. Oh well.
The end of the day I made cards with the other class and then we all went out for a little more extra recess. It was 48 degrees outside on February 1st! Who can argue with a bit more outside time on days like that?
And finally it was time to send everyone home. We were all wiped out and exhausted. I stayed at school the latest yet so I could draft a message to parents about the day and prep the Sunday newsletter note Mrs. M always sent out. Whew. When I got home, G and I went for a nice long walk around the pond, which helped to settle my thoughts.
Tough day. Glad I could be there for those kids. I know tomorrow will be better.
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